the printed whirred

I cannot be stopped

• FreshPrintsofBelAir
• Honest_to_Blog
• SansSheriff
• ManicPixieDreamGhoul
• Jane_Aryan (for the racist intellectuals)
• Frankophile (for those who like hot dogs…? Full disclaimer: I’m drinking wine right now)

All the names I didn’t use for my OkCupid profile

• Chekhovs_grunge
• OryxAndCrepe
• Literato
• CrystalMesh
• Pninterest
• Nom_de_Boom
• EtTuBeyonce
• TabulaRasta
• Shrillex
• WinoForever

#You’re Welcome, America

Hey, here’s how I know you’re bonkers

I intern at a medium-size lit mag. They get around 1000 submissions a month. Part of my job is to go through those submissions and sort them by genre and also make sure people have followed the submission guidelines. The following are all real, 100% true things that people have done:

1) Mail in a single paper featuring a hand-written, illegible haiku and a cut out picture of an owl. Request that the manuscript be returned. Fail to include a self-addressed stamped envelope.

2) Mail in a children’s book about a mommy-daughter yoga class.

3) Quote Anne Hathaway in the cover letter.

4) Submit an angry, pages-long rant directed at a former boss. The cover letter said something like, “This is the story of how I got fired one day.”

5) Fabricate credentials.

Superbowl Sunday PDX-style

Went to the Baghdad Theater with full intentions of watching the game. Instead, I drank a 20 oz beer, ate a mountain of yeast-seasoned popcorn, and discussed vegan stripclubs. If Portland weren’t its own sovereign nation, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been murdered for treason.

Dispatches from the front, part 1

I frequently (like, every time I sit down to write) Google people from my past writing classes to see what they’re up to, if they’ve published anything and/or if they’re at a good writing program and I’m worried that this is not normal OR healthy behavior and that it’s really getting in the way of my productivity and also it’s definitely not normal because I erase my search history afterwards every time.